Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Desire and Self-Pity

The last time I was on an airplane was in 1993. My last vacation was three years ago. My daughter is almost 16 and she has never been on a plane. Am I complaining? Yes. Do I hurt? Yes. Am I envious of all of those people that go on vacation every year, while I stay home? Yes. Do I want to travel? More than anything.

I don't know how to change this. I wish that I did. I wanted my daughter to travel and have vacations. I'm an educated woman, who has never been able to get ahead financially. At 42, a part of me still believes it's possible to turn this all around. Some part of me still believes that I am capable of great success and creativity. But I also realize that my belief in my specialness has possibly been illusion. An illusion that I started believing in as a child, to help comfort me from the reality that I didn't have any friends and didn't seem to fit in anywhere. I don't know the difference between my actual capabilities and my desired self.

There is a tornado ripping through my house at the moment. I try to calm and steady myself through my writing, the writing that I have so desperately wanted to believe was different, special. But I don't know anymore. I really don't know.


  1. Everything you do is special. I knew the minute I met you that you were nothing like anyone I'd ever met before. There is so much time for you to do many great things. I'll be right here cheering you on :)

  2. Illusions? I feel we are what we think we are. Illusions might be a label used when we feel the weight of thinking it's failure not reaching a goal placed way too high. You ARE special. Dream big, but that first step always starts at the bottom of the stairs. I've become a wiz at two and three night vacations. It's all we can afford, so it's the path we take. Place it near the top of your priority list and go for it. If planned well, a lot of fun can be had in just a short time. Your writing is always beautiful music. Don't ever doubt that.